About nine months ago something happened.
All the structures I had lived as Yaprak until then suddenly became meaningless altogether. What I imagined to be my ego, my troubles, me, and my life started to collapse by making the dust fly.
After the initial shock was over, not much later, in the evening of the same day, a window was opened somewhere in the middle of my chest. A bright, clean, window where I could swear that angelic music was playing in the background… I saw it with my eyes, felt it with my heart, and the following sentences passed inside me: “I am no longer obliged to do anything that hurts me and live with anybody who hurts me.”
Who could make me believe the lighted windows in the moments we feared the darkest? This was the first awareness of the process:
Fear of something is more fearful than experiencing it.
I shared the situation with my loved ones on a holiday morning, then we threw ourselves into the cool waters. Whatever had not been spoken for years, we talked in that half an hour, with the sea witnessing, and it was over. The second awareness came quickly:
Everything can and should be spoken; a correct style and a little courage are enough.
I was feeling unsuccessful. How could this have happened to me? I had read and learned so many things, lived miraculous synchronicities, I had prodromal dreams, but something was lacking, I couldn’t escape, or I literally ran away! Here was another truth before me:
Unless knowledge was implemented, it was dead, while dead information could do more harm than good because of the burden it brought.
I chose to spend this period in seclusion. I began to heal my wounds in my house like a cat secretly licking its wound. I reviewed the information I trusted, I studied, pointed projectors at my feelings, immersed in family secrets, opened my own secrets, I did the work, which I had missed before, for months without any delay. My consciousness was opening to a new level.
There was a reality presented to me, and another one I accepted. There was no “one truth”. We were not condemned to anything we were told.
Life was flowing outside and I was dying to flow into that life. However, I was already in life, I was alive, I was living! The concept called “moment” started to flourish in me. Sometimes I couldn’t get rid of this feeling: there were people outside, and me… Then something happened that the people outside got in, all over the world! That mask that I did not wear because of the people I thought others would comment, and that I hid in the back of my bag has become the most valuable object in the world! Once again, I was wrong, under the influence of my negative emotions, I thought myself separate from everything and everyone. What more could life tell me?
Everything could change at any time, for everyone! Nobody but nobody was exempt from anything! I was not separate from the rest of the world, none of us was!
I was the shopper who poured out into the streets in panic, and the one who had a nervous breakdown in fear of getting a virus … I was the one who closed in her house and meditated in peace and the one who started her project that she had postponed for years… All these were several “mes”; I was angry at some of them, I was aping some of them, and I was really creating some of them.
Among these possibilities, I chose “reborn”. Nine months was a good time for this. The name of a process in which I remembered my mother’s motherhood, I remembered that I was her daughter, and drowned in the affection of my family, would only be birth. Just like the birth of nature that is free from human beings and even more fresh in spring…
For all these reasons, hello again!
And please; do not wait for any incident and anyone to treat yourself with compassion.
You are enough for you.
With love…
what do you think?